


Staying For Good

by Pale Rider (Boothros)



Series: Staying For Christmas [2]
Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5388557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boothros/pseuds/Pale%20Rider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I really enjoyed writing 'Stay For Christmas' for the Discovered in The Holly and the Ivy challenge and am thrilled that people seemed to like it.<br/>There was always a much darker story lurking behind it however, giving a glimpse of the horrors that lead Bodie through the doors of a asylum.<br/>I primarily wrote this for myself and if you enjoyed 'Stay for Christmas', then you might want to just leave it there and not read this one.<br/>This is NOT a fluffy Christmas story. It's not pretty or likable, but there IS hope and there IS love in there somewhere and God knows, Bodie needs plenty of those...</p>
    </blockquote>





	Staying For Good

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoyed writing 'Stay For Christmas' for the Discovered in The Holly and the Ivy challenge and am thrilled that people seemed to like it.  
> There was always a much darker story lurking behind it however, giving a glimpse of the horrors that lead Bodie through the doors of a asylum.  
> I primarily wrote this for myself and if you enjoyed 'Stay for Christmas', then you might want to just leave it there and not read this one.  
> This is NOT a fluffy Christmas story. It's not pretty or likable, but there IS hope and there IS love in there somewhere and God knows, Bodie needs plenty of those...

Staying For Good

“Ray, is that a car coming up the lane?”

  
“Sounds like it, postman’s already been though. Sorry I’m just cleaning brushes and I’m covered in turps. Can you deal?”

  
“Yeah course, fancy a cuppa?”

  
It was a long time since Murphy had been in this area. Given the choice, he wouldn’t really drive all this way, but the good lady wife had heard of a special piece of jewellery in a special shop and what his lovely Miriam wanted she got. Not that she was a demanding woman, it just served him well to have a Christmas shopping list which negated him having to wonder and agonise for himself.

  
Pleased, he tapped the trinket in his inside pocket whilst at traffic lights and let his mind wander. The last time he had been here, he was visiting Ray. Ray Doyle who he hadn’t seen in simply ages. Ray Doyle who didn’t seem to have _that_ many friends. Ray Doyle who was sure to bring a bottle of Glennfiddich out on a special occasion …

  
He glanced at his car clock. It was only three. Miriam had said she would be Christmas shopping till at least five. Making his mind up before the light turned green, he aimed the Volvo towards Doyle’s quiet neck of the woods.

  
Murphy turned on his killer grin. It rarely failed him and got him over the stickiest of thresholds. When the door fell open at his bidding however, the smile quickly slid from his face. Bodie was standing there. Bodie looking clean and well and fed.

  
Murphy was at loss for something to say so was glad when the other man spoke for him and ushered him inside.

  
“Murph! Welcome! Long time no see!”

  
Murphy quickly recovered himself.

  
“You found him then?”

  
“Who, Ray?”

  
“Who else? Seems you got your feet nicely under the table too, doesn’t it?”

  
“Eh? What do you mean, mate?”

  
“Don’t you ‘mate’ me! You sold us all out, Ray included and now that that little venture didn’t work, you’re here now begging for scraps? You fucking disgust me, Bodie!”

  
Bodie stared at his old colleague in shock. It was all coming home to roost. Everyone hated him. It had all been true. Everything that he had learned in the hospital was true. Nobody really liked him. No one really wanted him well. The only one who had tried to help him was Ray. Dear sweet Ray who he loved so, was the very fool who had believed in him. Ray was in danger now, Murph had obviously seen it. Bodie needed to get away from here, far away so that Ray wouldn’t come to harm. He stumbled backwards towards an armchair which he promptly fell into.

  
Murphy stood over him, looming, looming until Bodie was forced back into East Africa, the place where he should have died.

  
Doyle came down the stairs wiping his hands on an oily rag.

  
“Murph! Hey mate, long time no see!”

  
Doyle sensed the charged atmosphere before anything was said and rushed straight to Bodie’s side.

  
“Bodie, Bodie what’s wrong? Come back, honey, there’s nothing here to hurt you.”

  
But Bodie was lost. Lost in a world that would never permit his partner. A world where no sensible man would ever wish to go.

  
“What the hell did you say to him, Murph you bastard?”

  
“S, s, sorry, Ray I was just shocked to see him, that’s all! The last thing I would want would be him to take advantage of you. I do care about what happens to you, you know!”

  
“Bodie, are you there? Can you come back to me?”

  
Doyle wheedled but Bodie sat as if made of stone and Doyle placed a blanket around his shoulders.

  
“What’s wrong with him? He was fine when I pulled up and now suddenly all this?”

  
Ray sniffed back a sob and sat back into the cane chair.

  
“You triggered him, Murph. I really rather you hadn’t but it was probably overdue. He could be away now for hours.”

  
“Ray, I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. I came here today just hoping to extend some Christmas cheer and maybe get a sly drink in. I never expected to be thrust into The Twilight Zone!”

  
Doyle sniffed loudly.

  
“Sorry. You might as well have that drink now. It’s thanks to you that he’s here at all, but if you ever EVER suggest again that he’s taking advantage of me, I’ll knock you from here into next Christmas!”

  
“Sorry, Ray, I didn’t mean to offend, but we were all warned about Bodie. How he’d joined the other side, the Krouts or the Chinks or whatever. He’d turned traitor, Ray!”

  
“So you don’t even know who he had supposedly thrown himself over to, you dozy bastard? Oh Murph. You believed all those Government gasbags over your own friend? Haven’t you witnessed enough losses? When Ruth had her throat slit in a Russian alleyway, did that make her a prostitute? When McCabe was photographed bleeding in his Y-fronts did that make him a sympathizer? Wake up Murphy for god’s sake! We were all just cannon fodder, always were and always had been. You and I were lucky enough to get off lightly. It was different for Bodie.”

  
“I sense that you’ve got a story to tell me, Ray. I’m willing to listen if you’ll let me hear it. What about him though?” Murphy indicated of their absent sitter.

  
“He’ll be okay for now, I know what he needs.”

  
Doyle poured brandy for the pair of them and carried on his tale.

  
“Bodie was sent to Africa. He was promised the earth by those that sent him into hell. They never delivered. It took him years to get out and come back to me. He’s been living here for two years and it’s great in all sorts of ways, but he suffers from something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It used to be called shell shock. The things he saw and did in Mozambique will always affect him. Most of the time, he’s fine but when conflicted or criticised he can go into meltdown very quickly. I can’t get through to him then. I just have to make sure that he can’t hurt himself and that he gets some rest.”

  
“Ray, I’m sorry but are you sure that he’s really told you the truth? That he’s not just knocked you for a soft touch when his plans didn’t work out?”

  
“Oh quite sure, Murph. There was little evidence of Bodie being sent overseas to a likely death, but what there was, had to be found if he was to get the pay-out he deserved. We bloody well found it too! Financially, Bodie is probably wealthier than you and I put together and that’s after his immediate five thousand pound donation to Oxfam.”

  
“Oh my god, Ray I’m sorry! We were all told such a different story. What’s the situation with Bodie now?”

 

Bodie crept amongst the grass. The girl he’d been sanctioned to kill was so beautiful, so young. In another life he could have loved her. In this life he was meant to sever her throat with a wire. They wouldn’t give him a gun, not until he had proved his worth enough times. He had tried the wire on his own neck but it hadn’t worked. He didn’t have enough pressure before his gag reflex forced his hands away desperate for oxygen to make themselves work.

  
She didn’t struggle. The wire sliced through her flesh with surprising ease. She died with a look of resigned defiance on her face. Bodie trod her blood into the dirt as a sign to his group that she had meant nothing, though he knew now that his soul was blackened forever. The murder of her young family was easy after that. How could they ever grow up with such hatred eating away at them? They were better off with the angels, not on this dirty earth were W.A.P Bodie walked. He felt for the young woman’s husband. If he was ever in the position to face that young man he would bow his head with the expectation of a machete removing it swiftly from his shoulders. He was a demon, a hell hound who had brought desperation to a gentle people who had never done him any harm. In his quest to say sorry to Ray Doyle he had killed and maimed and paid homage to the sickening group who owned him. He would call himself an animal if he had any less respect for the beasts around him who fought for survival rather than war. William Bodie was a terrorist, a killer and a dirty tramp. Ray Doyle would be well rid of him. He should never have come back …

  
“Any of us that weren’t clever enough to make our own way suffered. I was given a shit team in a shit job but I was lucky as I outlived the shit bastard officials that put me there. Ruth, Dave McCabe and Rufus Jax all died. I was immune to it all by then. All I could hope for was that Bodie was still alive. I couldn’t give a toss about the police or the government or anything really. If Bodie ever rolled up then something would have been worth it all. Then he did. I was retired of course and he was unwell but he turned up …”

  
Bodie crept through the stinking jungle. It wasn’t like those David Attenborough shows. No birds sang in this poverty stricken bit of scrub. No real light ever hit the ground. No wildlife film ever told about the stench that he was walking through. His target was a young boy, possibly younger than Bodie had been when he joined up with the Merchant Navy but they built them small over here. Bodie had a gun now, easier and cleaner. He still bloody well missed the shot he was aiming for. The slight figure blended into the trees just as Bodie fired. The scream of the youth who had his hip joint taken out would probably haunt Bodie forever. Fortunately the cry had alerted his family into fleeing their position before Bodie’s group torched it. Bodie was a monster. Bodie killed and smiled. Bodie didn’t feel worthy of the body he was still walking around in. He was evil. He didn’t deserve to walk the same earth as Ray Doyle, never lone speak to him again. Even mercenary life hadn’t been as basic as this. At least then he was young and seeking a living. Now he was simply staying alive in order to say sorry. An apology that he didn’t even deserve to give...

  
“He’s okay for most of the time. His leg is so much better, that he even took on the allotment last year. I’ve no idea if that was just to prove something as he hates vegetables. He was barely alive when he found me. Another month and he would have been dead I recon. Since he’s been back, he hasn’t asked me for a single thing, Murph except my forgiveness for his abrupt departure.”

  
Bodie stared down onto the crevasse. Would it be so difficult to just take that step? That one step, that would remove him from this damned reality.

  
He had woken that morning from a beautiful dream. He was in an old flat in Greenwich. It had been early summer and dawn had come early. He had reached out and embraced his slumbering partner and drawn himself closer to the solid form. Through the thin window panes, he could hear the first twittering of the birds. As the sun had got brighter, the blackbird’s sweet melody took on a more tropical tone. The sparrow’s chatter became the relentless buzz and click of a thousand insects. He drew the beloved body even closer and it had crackled beneath his arms. He had woken then, clutching his hated reed bed closely to his chest.

  
He stared down into the crevasse. He couldn’t see the bottom. It would mean certain death if he flung himself hard enough …

  
“We lead a quiet enough life. He’s actually made a few friends in the pub and on the allotment but we largely keep ourselves to ourselves. Strangers can frighten him until he learns to trust them. He had a hard time of it on the streets. He was good enough at the survival bit for a long time, but people’s attitudes wore him down eventually, convinced him that what he believed about himself was true.”

  
“And what did he believe, Ray?”

  
“That he was worthless. That he deserved all the abuse and violence they threw at him. He still believes that now.”

  
“We all felt sorry for you. There were a few that always wondered if there was there was more between you two than just friendship and only a couple who really knew. I couldn’t believe it that he’d just upped and left without a word. You looked so lost, Ray but you wouldn’t accept any help from anyone.”

  
“I knew he wouldn’t have just abandoned me with no reason. I learned he had been sent on an op though no one would give me the details. I didn’t want the police job, but I had to take it. I had to provide him with something to come home to ‘cos I knew he’d come if he could. He’s seen endless doctors and the Prozac keeps him mainly sane. The episodes are getting less and less now but the medics don’t think they’ll ever stop completely. They take it out of him, Murph. He’ll be quiet for days now, feeling guilty because he thinks he’s upset me. I’ve tried to explain that it isn’t him but the way he was treated that gets to me, but he carries a sadness around in him that he won’t let me touch. We’re happy though, in our own way. When he’s good, he’s really good. It’s just like having the old Bodie back.”

  
“The house looks good. You got it all finished then? It looks tidy enough to be a show home, dare say Bodie has a hand in that too does he?”

  
“Oh, you bet! I’m slightly better house trained these days now that I actually own a place, but it’s him that keeps it looking this nice. I mainly cook, though he can and he does but he loathes shopping so when I do the grocery run, he cleans the place. It was murder at first actually. I used to find him scrubbing out the oven until the skin was coming off his hands and washing floors in the middle of the night.”

  
“Bloody hell, that’s a bit weird isn’t it?”

  
“It was fine when he finally calmed down a bit. He was just trying to please me that’s all. He’s trying to atone all the time. Just trying to give a little bit back of himself. Once he started getting fitter he started doing a bit of voluntary work earlier this year. It might not sound much, but believe you me that was a huge achievement for Bodie who can’t bear meeting new people. He now drives the community ambulance to get all the old dears to their clinic appointments. I went with him the first few times as he was so nervous you would have thought he was about to go racing at Brands Hatch. They all said ‘Good Morning’ to him and he just dutifully nodded his head without looking him any of them in the eye. He provides most of them with their veg now.”

  
Jahns was dead. Bodie had watched it all happen dispassionately. Bodie was directly responsible if truth be told, but for once didn’t care about the blood on his hands. He’d hated Jahns and everything that the man had stood for. Political agendas were one thing but Jahns had an agenda all of his own and was the worst sort of leader because of it. When Tamele had died after being bitten by a rabid dog, Bodie had sensed the shift in the group. Jahns had become more vicious, more antagonistic towards the men. As their sole leader, he now needed their absolute compliance and their terror of him assured it. Tamele’s arrogance had at least been partnered with brain power. Jahns wasn’t blessed with the latter. By night he would enter the villages taking as much of their food, cashu and womenfolk as he wanted for himself. By day he was getting more and more reckless. Bodie was far from convinced that the group could hold their own if confronted by the enemy.

  
It had been Bodie’s job to sweep the field they were due to cross the following day. He’d quickly ascertained that it was littered with mines and big ones at that. He even knew where most of them were. His only failure was to inform anyone else. Bodie and Jahns always woke first, Bodie due to his military training and Jahns due to his bladder. As the sun came peeking over the horizon, Bodie heard the familiar fumbling’s as Jahns tried to gather himself together. Likely still completely pissed on cashu, Jahns stumbled about like the idiot he was, finally finding a place that suited him to pee noisily.

  
Bodie watched on, unconcerned as to what happened next. If this was to be Jahns time, then so be it. Life and death wasn’t something that should be determined by mere men, he knew that now. It was all down to fate, nothing more. Even with Jahns gone, Bodie had no back up plan. The men would flounder without their leader. Bodie only wished to get nearer to government soldiers. Whether he could lead the group near to the checkpoint was anyone’s guess. If they all saw him as the cause of Jahns death they would probably shoot him anyway …

  
A deafening crack shocked the silence of dawn. Bodie watched on as pieces of Jahns were flung everywhere. Though his ears were ringing, Bodie still heard bits of body raining down onto the earth.

  
“Sorry, Murph, how’s Miriam? How are you? I haven’t really been that good a host have I?”

  
“Don’t be daft, Ray. I haven’t exactly covered myself in glory as a guest! We really had no idea about Bodie you know. We were all lead to think that people had been put into the right places. I was astounded when I heard about Ruth and Dave and then Jax of course, but by then it wasn’t for me anymore the security service. I’d met Miriam and wanted a more settled life. Teaching came easy to me and I fitted into normal, everyday suburban life as if CI5 had never happened. As you said, Ray I got off lightly. I hardly ever even got injured in CI5.”

  
“It’s because of Bodie that you got shot off the top of a chimney pot!”

  
“I was winged, Ray, I didn’t die. If truth be told it was probably the most exciting moment of my career! I’m bloody ashamed of myself to be honest. All these years I’ve been hating Bodie for what I thought he put you through and you stood by him all that time. I never really did understand the ‘queer’ thing. It was never for me I’m afraid, but I had no reason to dislike anybody because of it.”

  
“We never even really thought about it that much. Of course in those days we had to be careful in our jobs, but gender didn’t really come into it for us. There’s someone for everyone, Murph and for me that someone just happened to be a bloke. Bodie was my other half. I could try and deny it as much as I liked but that would never have made me happy. The moment we first met, we hated each other on sight but I still knew that we’d be together forever.”

  
“That’s really you talking isn’t it, not just the brandy.”

  
“Shit we’ve nearly finished the bottle! I’d better feed you before you even attempt to drive!”

  
Bodie murmured and started to tremble, then shout. Ray and Murphy’s eyes shot towards him, alarmed.

  
“English! I’m English! Don’t shoot! I’m English and I need to get back to Ray Doyle!”

  
The fire that shot through Bodie’s thigh brought him down and he tasted the dust. He welcomed the pain. He was beyond action and would soon be beyond thought. Choice had been taken away from him now and he could hand his conscience over to fate.

 

 

Ray rushed to his Bodie's side and cradled him gently.

  
“It’s okay, my love. I’m here. I was always here, just waiting for you. I knew you’d come back if you could. It’s over now, Bodie, let it all go, honey just let it go.”

  
Murphy’s eyes welled. He would hug his Miriam extra close tonight. In the meantime, he would leave these two, his old friends and their amazing love for each other alone. He would phone Ray later in the week with assurances that he had driven home safely and wish the pair a merry Christmas. With a final look at the scene he quietly closed the door on the two men who clung together for dear life.

  
Ray heard the click of the door but paid no mind to it. He gathered his partner into his arms. Bodie needed him, and he needed Bodie. Nothing else would ever matter, nothing else ever had. Bodie was starting to loosen now, so Ray would be able to put him to bed. Be able to bed him down and convince him how much he was loved and how safe he now was. He turned the key in the lock, claimed his partner and made for the stairs.


End file.
